Maybe it was...

Mommy breakdown day. I can't put my finger on exactly what it was that started the gigantic Indian Jones cannon ball of furry rolling, maybe it was....

• The tantrums over every and all diaper changes today
• The complete rejection of getting dressed
• The crying for milk constantly the second I left the house without a bottle
• The tearing and bending of book pages
• It could have been the throwing of bathroom trash in the toilet
• All attempts to eat rocks, lotion, perfume bottles, garbage...
• Or when the blossoms of my marigolds were plucked in their prime
• the spiting and throwing of yogurt
• the rejection of what I made for lunch
• the crying... oh the crying for no apparent reason and every reason
• The little girl who desperately wanted to jump into a violent mountain stream
• The melt down on the way to target
• the refusal to sit in the baby seat of the shopping cart
• Or the worn out mommy who carried around a 15 month old, all through target
• Could have been the fit at the check out
• the one of the way home
• The throwing of my cell phone onto the concrete that caused none of the buttons to work for a couple of hours
• the 5 bites that I received to my forearms
• The pushing of computer buttons while I tried to look up something to make for dinner
• The attempts to reach up and touch the stove burners
• The grabbing of knives
• The screaming over wet, shampooed and rinsed hair
• Hmmmm, perhaps it was the refusal of diaper cream and then all the attempts to eat it
• The peeing on the carpet as mom cleaned up the diaper cream disaster
• The poop on the bed sheets, that was forgotten from the previous night and had to be changed while 15 month old cried to go night night.
• Or maybe it was just my lack of sleep from all of the nightly potty breaks (5 to be exact)

Whatever it happened to be, I spanked Fiona today.

Maybe some of you don't think that's a big deal, but it caused me an extreme amount of "spanker's remorse" and tears.

I watch her get shoved around and smacked by kids who are older than her on a regular basis and it makes me crazy. She has become very apprehensive around other kids, she cringes when someone runs towards her, and covers her head in fear if someone approaches her with a toy... as if without a doubt they are going to whack her in the head with it.

I have been worried my child is growing to fear other children....

And then I go and hit her... me, her protection and safety in the world.

Today I felt like giving up. Sometimes being a mom is overwhelming, to my utmost breaking point. (It has it's good points too, see 90% of blog posts for highlights of parenthood)

Sorry Fiona... today you were one tough little cookie, and I lost it.

Goal Completed... Les Miserables

When I was pregnant with Fiona I started reading Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. Feeling brave, I decided to read the unabridged version which is roughly 1400 pages. There were times I thought I would have to give up, but the story was too good and I plugged on through.

I love the different themes of the book, especially towards the end, Hugo writes some pretty poetic stuff about mercy, justice, integrity, families, marriage and the relationship a parent has with a child. It got me all teary eyed on a few occasions. It is not an easy read, I think I would recommend the abridged version... even still it is quite the time commitment, yet well worth it. I would love to talk more about it in detail, but maybe just with anyone who has read it... I wont spill all the details to the rest of you.

I am excited because now I get to watch the movie and pick it apart as to how close I think they matched the story and characters... I love doing that. Someday I would love to see the Broadway production... but that will probably be far far in the future. Turns out it already came to Utah at the beginning of June (bummer!) It is showing in Minnesota in December... but tickets start at $164.00 (a bit pricey... especially considering the cost to get to Minnesota!) I will have to start saving my pennies.

I am focusing my literary endeavors on nutrition and food books now. There was so much that I wanted to learn during college that they didn't teach me. Right now I am reading "Original Fast Foods" by James Simmons. It is a pretty purist approach to eating and preventing disease, they talk a lot about being a raw food vegan. I am leaning more towards being vegetarian these days, but I don't know about the raw food thing completely. I have been fascinated thus far and Chuck and I are reading it together so it has sparked some great family discussions, plus it's helpful when changing your diet to have your spouse on board with you!!

As promised here is another video. This is actually from before we moved, but it's one of my favorites....

Much muchness

SO yes, we have arrived in Utah... our sweet new abode. Just a few initial reactions.

• Our apartment GORGEOUS (see videos to follow with breathtaking scenery)
• Mountains... Majestic
• I-15... probably the worst freeway known to man, I would rather pioneer trek by handcart through the mountains than drive on this road. And seriously could they put ANY more billboards up along the sides. It is visual overload.... tacky.
• Dry heat... much more enjoyable than muggy Minnesota days.
• Great to be so close to my brother and sister in law... literally just a door step away.
• People here like candy... the grocery store is full of gigantic tubs of sugar filled treats. I mean even in the dairy section there is a tub of candy provoking you to purchase. (Chuck and I are on a special no crap diet right now though... more information on that to come)

Church was different, I miss the friendly loving faces of the Saint Paul ward. However interestingly enough Sister Julie Beck (general Relief Society President) is in my ward and was there on Sunday so I felt like I knew someone and it was comforting.

Because we are having Grandma withdrawals over here we have been taking lots of Fiona videos and location shots to stay connected. You all can take a peak at what we have been up to as well. I will probably be posting a lot more videos over the next few weeks I have so much to show you all. Please dismiss my lack of film making ability.

Our lovely "little" yard.

More scenery shots from our backyard.

Some water fun at the park... which is free which makes it even more fun ;)

I will post a video soon of the inside of our apartment. Till then. Love ya'll.

The C word

This week before the big move to Utah my mom found out through a routine mammogram and subsequent biopsy that she has breast cancer. It is a very surreal thing to find out about someone you love.

I mean you could never tell from the outside, and she wasn't really having any signs.

Just another reason why you should always remember to do your self-breast exams and make routine visits to your doctor.

She meets with her Oncologist today to find out a treatment plan. She has a lot of really big decisions to make, but she has some really great friends and if I do say so family to help her through it all.

Tomorrow I fly out to Utah with Fiona, I haven't seen Chuck since Saturday and I miss him like crazy.... but at the same time I feel nuts going across the country right now.

However, thank goodness for prayer and modern technology. I can communicate with God and ask for his help in a situation I feel helpless in. Plus I can communicate with my mom everyday in a variety of ways.

I am thinking of starting a blog on behalf of my mom so we can keep people up to date on the progress and everything that is going on without her having to tell 100 people 100 different times.... it gets to be stressful.

For now, prayers are greatly appreciated.