Nevertheless

(this is one of my favorite pics from the hospital)

I have wondered over the last few days how I would tell you all about my birth experience. I have written this post about 30 times in my head....

My goals, or aspirations I suppose for birth were three fold:

• Get the Baby Out


• To receive as little medical intervention as possible


• To not be afraid

Growing up I heard the most horrendous birth stories, watched movies of women screaming and sometimes dying in childbirth and heard women use it as an argument as to why they are superior to men and deserve whatever they desire. So naturally like most women approaching birth for the first time I had concerns and fears. My approach was to meet each one head on, to research my options to know the possibilities and to be accepting to the fact that these circumstances could happen to me. I feel like I have been on one of my life's greatest journeys of self discovery.

There were many pain coping techniques that I practiced and looked to for relief when things were difficult. I will never again underestimate the power of JUST BREATHING! And nothing had a more powerful effect or brought more calming relief than the ability to pray. I think I talked to God quietly in my head through most of my labor.

I will not spell out the details of the experience as every women experiences birth differently. My labor was extremely unusual and lasted longer than I ever would have imagined it to. I remember someone asking me once if I had prepared for a long labor.... in my mind that meant about 24 hours. My labor began at 3:00 am on Saturday morning and Fiona was born at 4:06 pm on Tuesday. I will let you do the math on that one if you so desire.

My biggest battle was exhaustion and fatigue... well and I suppose frustration. My cervix just would not progress. I would go through hours of labor only to be checked and show minimal to no progress. The more the clock ticked the more I felt like there was no end in sight... there were a lot of tears and I don't know what I would have done without the words of encouragement and comforting faces of Chuck, my mom, the nurse, and the midwife.

It was during about the final hour when I was ready to throw in the towel. The moment I had hoped would not come was here... I looked at Chuck and said, "I think I need an epidural." We had everyone leave the room to discuss alone, I felt my body had had enough and needed to rest I didn't think I could make it. So I called the midwife to ready the pain relief. Yet the next 30 minutes would prove to be the most painful and yet exciting time of the whole process thus far. It was shortly after my request for drugs that my body shifted into what is known as the Transition of labor and to be quite honest I felt like I tasted death... Chuck said at this time my eyes were glossed over and I kept reaching to grab his face. I honestly think I was trying to hold on to life.

The midwife having seen countless women experience this decided to check my cervix one more time before administering the epidural. And then she said those four magic words that made everything better...

"Your cervix is gone"

This meant it was time to push, and push is what I immediately did. Up to this point I had felt that I had absolutely no control over the events of labor... yet now I could take charge. I was ready to meet my baby and I did not want to wait a moment longer. I mustered up all remaining strength that I could and listened closely to my midwives instructions. Fiona was born 15 minutes later.

And you know it's just like people said it would be. The second they plop that warm little body on your chest, nothing else really matters. It is like the greatest pain reliever. I was so in awe by it all, and will never forget the faces of those present as they watched it all unfold. Especially my sweet husband who was right there by my side through the whole thing. Chuck you are the best!

Birth is amazing... WE had a baby!

I titled this post Nevertheless because it was a word that has been going through my mind these past few days. My mission president used it in such a way that it felt like encouragement when he said it. Like if I was frustrated or felt hopeless he would just say "Nevertheless!" It meant we have to keep going anyway. It was his way of saying not to give up.

In the scriptures perhaps the most famous usage of this word was by the Savior himself when he suffered in Gethsemane:

"And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."

Jesus suffered more than any person can imagine for the pains and sicknesses of all mankind. In a small way I felt like I understood him a little bit more through my period of transition.

But here is the great part about it... Shortly after this moment when he hung on the edge of life and death, when he bled from every pore and plead for relief he was able to experience LIFE, and the resurrection. He overcame death, it was an absolute miracle.

That is kind of how I felt through this labor... I thought death was imminent and I plead for relief, yet I was able to experience a new little life.... and it made the rest not seem so bad anymore.

I have to believe that is how it is for Jesus. I don't think he dwells on the hard and painful times like we often do when we remember his sacrifice. Right after the pain came something so wonderful the bad stuff just kind of melts away.

I am still in recovery, and adjusting to my new life as a mommy. It is a lot to take in all at once and newborn babies are an around the clock gig... I am amazed I even wrote this post (well it did take me 4 days :)

Love you all,

Tacy Marie

When She's Ready

39 Weeks, 39 inch belly.

They say my baby is the size of a small watermelon. Carrying a small watermelon on your internal organs all day is quite a task yet I am not sick of pregnancy... many people keep asking me some variation of the question "Are you ready to get that baby out of you or what!?!?" Quite honestly I am in no rush. Chuck has been really encouraging me in the home stretch, "You've almost made it!" he said the other day, but he reminds me that She will come when she's ready.

Last night I had a dream that I was hugging my midwife and we were having a good cry about how wonderful the birth was. Naturally I woke up thinking, "Is today the day?" But I think that every time I wake up in the middle of the night and each morning when I heft myself out of bed (accompanied by some large grunt)

Now for some picture show and tell

This is a cross stitch that a women made for Chuck and I. My mom framed it all fancy like, and gave it to us last week. You see the Robin and it's nest are very symbolic to Chuck and I. Robins egg blue and red (the color of the Robins breast) were the colors of our wedding reception. Our center pieces were nests filled with little blue robins eggs. It was to be a symbol of our building a new life together.

Interestingly enough during my birthing preparations I was encourage by my "Birthing From Within" book to select an animal to look to for strength during labor. They suggested picking something strong and ferocious... like a bear, tiger or wolf. (LOL Joyce didn't you write something about finding your inner birth tiger awhile back?!) Well it just so happens that I have a brother in law who specializes in the healing arts (and just started a blog about it) who through muscle testing and meditation can determine which animals you closely connect with in nature.

I asked him if he would find my birth animal, instead of me just picking one out of the air.

And you know what, I am a Robin.

So when I received this picture just shortly after learning this... I felt an added sense of strength to approach what lay ahead. I know that when things seem overwhelming I can think about the Robin building her nest and feel comforted. It is one of those things that reminds me hat God knows who I am and looks out for me. In the scriptures they say that you should not seek for signs (because that is not how faith is built) however Signs follow those that believe.

This picture to me is a "Tender Mercy of the Lord" (watch video for further explanation)

I also finished my first crochet piece of baby clothing. You can't see from the picture but the white yarn has a little shimmer to it. I think I am going to find two cute little buttons to put on the front for some flare (maybe little lady bug buttons).



This is the lamp that Chuck and I picked out at Ikea to put above the rocking chair in the baby's room for late night feeding, rockings and what not. We liked how soft the dim the light is, and that it is so super girly! The cord is green to look like a stem running down the wall.

I just finished reading my book on breastfeeding by Ina May. It was a GREAT read. I really recommend it to anyone who desires to or is considering breastfeeding their baby. There are lots of really practical tips and a few chapters on our cultures view of breastfeeding and "Nipplephobia" as she calls it (America's fear about seeing a nipple in a public setting). Some of you may remember the Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction at the Superbowl a few years back and the huge controversy that was.

Chuck was telling me that on his mission in the Philippines that was one of the cultural differences he had to become comfortable with. Women openly breastfed their babies in public and at church. To come from our culture (where breasts are overly sexualized and not often looked at for their main function which is to feed and nourish babies) this sudden exposure to public breasts took some getting used to.

I am NOT on some crusade mind you to seek to cure nipplephobia by exposing myself in public. I do however want to be able to feed my baby when she is hungry and not feel like I have to hide myself from the world. I know some establishments in our country ask women to use the bathroom to breastfeed. Ina May makes a great point that we do not ask anyone else in our society to eat in the bathroom... so why should babies be pushed into such a circumstance. I don't even like sitting by the bathroom at restaurants let alone being in one to enjoy a meal.

Anyway... I feel I have gone off on a tangent (about nipples none-the-less).

That's when I wrap it up.

I hope to return to this blog a new mommy... we shall see what the coming days will bring :)

Turbo Belly

I have been having extreme spurts of energy this last week. My mom says she thinks that's a sign that I will have the baby this week. We'll see about that. There are not many loose ends to tie up. The nursery is all set up, I have a gigantic front zip moo-moo to wear at the hospital packed in my bag. I bought snacks for Chuck, and stocked the cupboards. I deep cleaned the car, including scrubbing all the floor mats with Oxy clean until they sparkled, I installed the car seat (which only took my about 6 tries) and will spend the majority of the day cleaning the crevices of this place with a toothbrush.

Interesting to think there will be a new person living here. I remember before I got married wondering if it would be odd to have the incredibly handsome Charles Call with me each and everyday. It was never odd though, in fact it felt so natural like that was how it has always been and should be forevermore.

I am thinking that is how adding this new baby to the family will be... I am sure I will stop and stare at her often and think, I can't believe I had a baby! but she will no doubt fit right in as if she had always been here.

I continue to read books to prepare for motherhood... right now I am devouring Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding. She has done some pretty revolutionary work in the realm of Midwifery and has really great advice. She also has a guide to childbirth, but it is a popular item in the St. Paul public library system and I have been on the waiting list for over two weeks now.

I like sitting in the nursery reading on my big blue birthing ball. I will stare at the crib and think about there being a tiny person nestled in it and not just a stuffed monkey. I was thinking back the other day to being a little girl and loving to play house... it was my instinctive desire to be a mommy. When you are little that game never seems to get old, and was always so much fun. Funny how people grow up and look at motherhood like a huge burden, that is stressful and can be very overwhelming. I wonder if I will be able to think of it as a game still (only I wont color on my baby with markers or throw her in the toy box when it's time for dinner).

Someone asked Chuck last night how he was feeling about all of this because this blog pretty much just sums up my feelings and preparations. They asked if he felt ready for the baby to come. He answered that he felt about 90% ready and the other 10% was that element of the unknown. I was glad for this friend asking him that question... I keep having to remind myself that even though Chuck and I are married and with each other day after day that his experience in life is much different than mine. I have to remember to stop and ask him about how things are going in his brain a little more often.

Something good to remember for my kids as well.

Predictable

With the exception of the people who are closest to me, I seem to be asked the same five questions over and over again. So I just thought I would answer them here for everyone in case you found yourself wondering the same.

• When's that baby due? March 28th... but I am not putting a lot of weight on this one day. This is just an estimation and it would probably be more accurate to give women a due month because anytime between about 37 and 42 weeks is fair game. I have started to have Braxton Hicks Contractions... but those could last weeks.

• Any weird cravings? Not any weirder than normal. I crave things, but I did when I wasn't pregnant too... I mean who hasn't had an uncontrollable urge to eat a huge blizzard at the DQ or take down a few brats?

• Do strangers touch your belly all the time? or Are you sick of strangers touching your belly? I actually don't recall anyone I didn't know well (I mean like family) touch my belly. Probably the most action my midsection saw was at my baby showers... but it was the main event, so it's understandable. Even if tons of people were rubbing my big ole belly though, I don't think I would be sick of it. I mean I touch my belly constantly... it sticks out and there is a person in there and she likes it when you say hello.

• You getting any sleep these days? Yes at least 8 hours... just not consecutively like before. I am awake about every 2 hours to use the ladies room... and the numb hand thing and weird dreams sometimes keep me from snoozing. However I have the luxury of napping whenever I want to pretty much during the day. SO I can't complain.

• Are you ready to be done? I must say my excitement to meet my baby is mounting. I look forward to seeing her little face, hearing her first cries, feeling her brand new baby skin, and smelling that new baby smell. Yet I don't feel a rush to get to the end... I have for the most part thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant and all of the excitement it has created in my family. This little baby is going to change a lot of people's lives, not just Chuck and mines. Plus, right now I don't have to change diapers, pack a ginormous bag every time I leave the house filled with baby products and my hands are always free to do what I please. Having a baby in the womb is very convenient when you think about it.

Preparation-H

No, this post is not about Hemorrhoids... the H stands for the Housecleaning of a pregnant women which is also commonly referred to as "nesting". That is my new full time gig these days. I am at home preparing to have a baby. Yet this extends far behind the setting up of a nursery. To prepare to have a natural childbirth (no medication or medical intervention) a housecleaning of the mind is also required. The Hypnobirthing class that I longed to take is just not going to work out... but it's ok, I figure women have been having babies for thousands of years without pain medication and the human race has still managed to thrive. Somewhere within me is the power and ability to have a baby I just have to find it. I have been trying to prepare my entire pregnancy but we have entered the home stretch... the third trimester and serious focus and training are critical. So here is a little about my training regiment which I have delightfully named preparation-H

The journey to becoming a parent is fun and exciting but it also leaves me asking a lot of questions. I truly believe what other mothers have told me, that I will look into those big baby eyes... fall madly in love and experience greater joys than I have ever known. Somewhere in the midst of it all the mother inside of me will emerge and instinct will kick in. It's the journey there that at times seems a little challenging and confusing. I mean this human growing inside of me needs to come out at some point, a thought I have at least once a day.

I also, like millions of women who have gone before me wonder about labor and delivery. I have opted to prepare for "Natural" childbirth (I put it in quotations because I am not trying to imply that receiving necessary medical intervention is somehow unnatural... because a lot of times it saves lives). My hope is no drugs, and no medical procedures. Just me and my body and my baby.

It can kind of be a lot to take in. I have been reflecting often on my experience of running a marathon as I prepare. Running a marathon is hard work and it takes a lot of preparation. I had to run six days a week, watch my diet to make sure I was getting enough calories and lots of water, and think positively because often it is a strong mind and not necessarily strong legs that get you across the finish line. You see during training 20 miles is usually the farthest you ever go... yet the race is 26.2 miles. I asked a fellow runner once why you don't train the full 26.2. He said, "Because the last 6.2 miles you are running on sheer guts and determination." He was right.

After about 18 miles I wondered if my body could make it... yet my mind was strong. I had spent hours upon hours in practice runs visualizing myself finishing, thinking about the thrill of crossing the line and seeing my family there who had supported me all along. At the start of the race I asked others who had run marathons before what their advice for me was... and a common answer was in essence to "Enjoy the journey."

So when it hurt I would reflect on what an amazing experience it was... I would think about the beautiful surrounding of Duluth Minnesota and Lake Superior, I would feel overwhelmingly joyful at the water crews filled with happy volunteers dancing and playing music. I would savor each sip of water, run under every sprinkler and water hose, talk to and smile at each person I saw because I knew this was the experience of a lifetime (because you only get one first time).

I am trying to apply my marathon training to my baby preparation. I know it will be hard work... stretching my body to the limit (literally and figuratively). I know I have not experienced anything like it before and especially not the last "6.2 miles". But I am trying to enjoy the journey and keep a positive attitude.

Preparation-H

I have finished reading the Hypnobirthing manual... despite my not taking the actual class I am able to apply the things I learned in it on my own. Plus I have an excellent resource to use, my sister in Law Julia used this method and had a great experience...

The author Marie Mongan encourages women to set aside all fear as they approach birth. Fear increases the feelings of pain by tensing important muscles that need to relax. The main focus consequently is relaxation and breathing techniques.

I practice these each day along with positive birth affirmations... which in essence are saying very positive things about how I want my experience to be and thinking about my baby.

I love it, I relax on the couch and listen to the soothing music and voice prompts that put me into deep relaxation.

The CD is called "Rainbow Relaxation"

And guides you through a visualization of walking through a rainbow and absorbing all of the colors. It encourages you to pick one color from the rainbow...
Now this is the point of my explanation where people might brand me a hippie for my love of holistic medicine and the acknowledgement that other things provide calming and healing besides pills and pain meds.

But I am not ashamed for I am not alone.

I have chosen Purple as my pregnancy color. It is the color of confidence, spiritual fulfillment, peace of mind, strength, wisdom and relaxation. It is a combination of red and blue... red being a color of focus and blue is calm and cooling. I figure a good combination of the two will be a needed balance to keep in the midst of birth.

I chose a theme color, if you will, when I ran the marathon too... only I choose the color pink and adorned my self in pink clothes, pink socks, and of course I painted my toe nails pink.

So part of the birth preparation occurred yesterday when I began sporting my new purple toe nails (sorry to people who hate feet for my posting a picture of me feet on my blog... Sarah Ware just close your eyes and scroll down). And trust me... this was quite an event. Painting your toe nails as a very pregnancy women is definitely not the easiest thing I have ever done. Trying to touch my toes at times seems impossible...

because I have to reach around or over THIS. (Note that I went from having the deepest cavern of a belly button to an outie!)

As small of a thing as painting my toenails may seem I know that during birth in my exposed state I will be able to see my toe nails and remember what they stand for.

I have also started reading this book written by Pam England who runs a birthing center in New Mexico (Yea for New Mexico!). It is incredible and I will be telling you more about it as I get deeper into it.

I have started a Birthing From Within journal where I answer questions she poses... write down my fears and worries, draw pictures and share stories and experiences.

It has been really helpful in allowing me to dig deep into my concerns and addressing them.

Plus there are fun activities which help me to anticipate and get excited for the birthing experience.

And what training program would be complete without some actual exercise. This is my daily yoga station. I have created my own preparation-H exercise routine with the help of YOUTUBE I found a few different pregnancy workout videos I like and do them each day. The diced tomato cans are my weights I use during squats and to work my biceps (I am going to need strong arms to carry around my little bundle of joy).

Other than that I am just trying to eat a balanced diet, and not give in to my every craving (although Chuck and I make sure to indulge in a few of my pregnant desires from time to time). I drink lots of water, try to stay active but also get lots of rest.

To all you moms out there...

What helped you most as you prepared for birth?

Yum Yum Yum

Can you tell that I am home by myself right now? Not that I don't make bagel goggles and take pictures of myself when Chuck is home (ok, yea I don't do that). Well Chuck if you were wondering how I entertained myself while you were at school... there ya go.

I just wanted ya'll to know that I have shaken the pregnancy nauseousness and it has been replaced with an incredible desire to eat lots of bagels with cream cheese.... Mmmmm Cream Cheese, you are so soft and delicious. I just want to eat cream cheese wantons... spread it all over crackers... eat it plain. Oh it doesn't even matter how you serve it... give me a cream cheese slip and slide in my front yard!!!

I feel like my old self again just with new and exciting food desires. LOL I have also been eating tater tots, RANCH dressing (which is VERY unlike me)... Gravy... oh baby. I can't help it, the baby wants it :) If you are my mother and suddenly concerned that I might not be getting proper nutrition please sit down and relax... I eat fruits and veggies too.

Feels great to be cooking and eating my normal horse sized portions... And to all the sick pregnant ladies in the world (especially you Toni) hang in there!!! You are my hero's.

Gettin a belly...

Sorry no picture, it is not big enough to document with a photo. I haven't had a belly since I was on my mission (too many desserts!!) This belly is much for fun because there is something incredible inside.... I can't stop looking at it and touching it. I wish my belly was see through so that I could witness what is going on in there. Actually that might be kind of nasty with my nausea... scratch the see through belly idea.

My baby is currently about the size of a strawberry, pretty remarkable that something so small can cause so many changes in the physical, mental, and emotional state a a person. Ahhhhh the miracle of birth. I am 8 weeks or so along, I have yet to go to the doctor, but am trying to pick one at the moment, anyone from the twin cities have any suggestions?

Planet Pregnancy

I have embarked on a new journey... many have traveled this way before but for me it is extremely uncharted territory. With Chuck by my side we are setting off for the land of parenthood...

We are going to have a baby!!!!

And as such life as we have known it before this point shall never be the same. It has been an interesting experience thus far to say the least. Many of you may not be familiar with the process but in order to have a baby you have to enter a new world or dimension... it looks a lot like earth only with a few notable differences...

Everything stinks... and nothing tastes good.

I have found that on planet pregnancy nausea is a normal state of being, that oatmeal sometimes makes you cry, falling asleep at all hours of the day is required, and usually highlighted with crazy wacked-out dreams.

Ahhhh YES!! I am pregnant, and I guess I was a little fuzzy on the details before I got to this point. I love how happy everyone is for me... I keep trying to be really excited about it too. However I spend most of my day saying, "don't throw up... don't throw up... don't smell that... don't think about yogurt..."

I am trying to not dwell so much in my current state and to envision myself in nine months... when a smiling nurse walks over to Chuck and I and hands us our new little bundle of joy. Sounds like a beautiful little scene... but I really don't have a frame of reference for it. I just can't even really imagine what that will feel like. I hear from mothers all over that it is the most incredible experience...

But right now I am going to need someone to hold the baby of my dreams... I am not feeling so hot.

Five weeks down... I shall return to earth on March 29th or thereabouts. Wish me luck, maybe I'll send ya'll some postcards while I'm gone.

ps. Thanks Chuck... for EVERYTHING.