Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Maybe it was...

Mommy breakdown day. I can't put my finger on exactly what it was that started the gigantic Indian Jones cannon ball of furry rolling, maybe it was....
  • The tantrums over every and all diaper changes today
  • The complete rejection of getting dressed
  • The crying for milk constantly the second I left the house without a bottle
  • The tearing and bending of book pages
  • It could have been the throwing of bathroom trash in the toilet
  • All attempts to eat rocks, lotion, perfume bottles, garbage...
  • Or when the blossoms of my marigolds were plucked in their prime
  • the spiting and throwing of yogurt
  • the rejection of what I made for lunch
  • the crying... oh the crying for no apparent reason and every reason
  • The little girl who desperately wanted to jump into a violent mountain stream
  • The melt down on the way to target
  • the refusal to sit in the baby seat of the shopping cart
  • Or the worn out mommy who carried around a 15 month old, all through target
  • Could have been the fit at the check out
  • the one of the way home
  • The throwing of my cell phone onto the concrete that caused none of the buttons to work for a couple of hours
  • the 5 bites that I received to my forearms
  • The pushing of computer buttons while I tried to look up something to make for dinner
  • The attempts to reach up and touch the stove burners
  • The grabbing of knives
  • The screaming over wet, shampooed and rinsed hair
  • Hmmmm, perhaps it was the refusal of diaper cream and then all the attempts to eat it
  • The peeing on the carpet as mom cleaned up the diaper cream disaster
  • The poop on the bed sheets, that was forgotten from the previous night and had to be changed while 15 month old cried to go night night.
  • Or maybe it was just my lack of sleep from all of the nightly potty breaks (5 to be exact)
Whatever it happened to be, I spanked Fiona today.
Maybe some of you don't think that's a big deal, but it caused me an extreme amount of "spanker's remorse" and tears.

I watch her get shoved around and smacked by kids who are older than her on a regular basis and it makes me crazy. She has become very apprehensive around other kids, she cringes when someone runs towards her, and covers her head in fear if someone approaches her with a toy... as if without a doubt they are going to whack her in the head with it.

I have been worried my child is growing to fear other children....

And then I go and hit her... me, her protection and safety in the world.

Today I felt like giving up. Sometimes being a mom is overwhelming, to my utmost breaking point. (It has it's good points too, see 90% of blog posts for highlights of parenthood)

Sorry Fiona... today you were one tough little cookie, and I lost it.


Mommadriver said...

Tacy, I know I already told you this, but don't be so hard on yourself! Children can push you to the breaking point at times, especially as they get closer to the time in their development when they discover they can exert their will and try constantly to have their way. That is not always a good thing, because they can do a lot of damage to themselves as they are in the process of learning limits. When they are pre-verbal, sometimes a swat on the behind is a negative consequence they can understand...especially when the real consequences of their choices are life-threatening! You are a good Mommie, and a beautiful person. Love you Forever, Mom

Clarinda said...

Tacy, Don't be too hard on yourself. There is nothing *too* terrible about a spanking now and again, and Fiona seemed to have been a bit deserving on this particular day. Teaching discipline is a good thing.

Shum Girl said...

I'm so sorry! I know those days. It has helped me to just make a game plan for the next time so I don't lose it. I lost it once and decided I never wanted my kids to witness that again. My game plan is to just walk away and throw my own fit and let my kids scream and throw a fit. I then collect myself and decide calmly what I need to do. When you get crazy you can't make good decisions. Goodness me sometimes it is so hard. You are a good mom. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Toni Jones said...

Yep, i know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I had one of those days not too long ago as well. It wasn't a good feeling. Just know that you're not alone!

The Atomic Mom said...

Seems like James and Fiona are in the same boat...he is a mess right now from the evacuation.

I always just set him on the stairs, or in a corner if there is no stairs, so I can go count to 30.

I'm sorry, I know just how you feel.

katie said...

wow. the whole time i was reading this, i was in complete and total empathy/sorry mode. I know its been said, but it helps me to hear this I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL IN EVERY WAY! i'm not going to give any advice, i don't feel qualified. You are an incredible person, and i always questioned peoples compliments on my mothering because i thought 'how the heck do you know if i'm a good mom? you're not at my house every day!' but, i know that you have goodness and the light of christ in you. so, even when we think we're doing wrong by our kids, i just try to realize that i'm not perfect, and i have the basic get-out-of-jail-free cards (a christ-centered home, the priesthood in my home, tomorrows to do better, etc). I also try to realize at the end of the day when i look back in horror at what i have or haven't done for my kids, that that was the best i could do that day. crappy as it my be, it was my best. look at me i'm blabbering!! I just had to say how delightful it was to read that post! Hope you're not offended by me giggling at your hard day! I love you Tacy!!!!